In Need of Assessment
As Saturday nights are normally social affairs you do not expect a call from a nursing service. A call came in from a Sydney number and not recognising it I blocked the number. Not to be deterred I received a call three minutes again from another Sydney number, so I decided to answer it. The conversation went like this.
‘Hello, I am from such-and-such nursing agency and I am ringing to arrange a continence assessment for you.’
‘You must have the wrong number,’ I said somewhat surprised.
I was also pondering why call an incontinent patient on a Saturday night. Maybe she thought such patients cannot go out as they need to be near a toilet. Clearly not a plausible theory as it has never stopped my wife going out.
‘No, no. This is the right number.’
‘Yes, but do you have the right person?’
‘You are the patient aren’t you,’ the nurse said more as a statement than a question.
‘No, not that I know of.’
‘You must be the patient as this is the right number.’
Trying to settle the matter quickly I said, ‘what is the name of the patient?’
‘I cannot tell you that sir as it is a privacy issue.’
‘I see that’s interesting. So, you are telling me you want to arrange a medical appointment at the taxpayer’s expense with a person who is not the patient?’
‘I would not put it like that sir. Perhaps you could give me your name?’
‘I am not sure I am happy doing that as this might be a scam.’
‘I can assure you it is not sir.’
We were at somewhat of an impasse, but as she had just called ‘sir’ three times and as nobody has called me ‘sir’ for some time, I decided to humour her.
‘Let me help you. Is the patient a man or a woman? This would narrow it down to 50% of the population.’
‘A man.’
‘Well, there you go. So, if I identified as a woman would this solve the problem of not being the patient?’
There was a pause on the other end.
‘I am not sure you are taking this seriously,’ she said in an earnest tone.
‘Really? Whatever gave you that idea?’ I said in an equally earnest tone.
‘Well, you are clearly a man.’
‘Whatever gave you that impression?’
‘Your voice for a start.’
‘I am not sure that is fair as I might identify as a woman. Why do you need a high voice to be a woman?’
‘I think we are getting off the point Sir.’
I needed to finish this conversation asap as my glass was empty.
‘There you go again. You keep calling me sir, which is gross misgendering and you know how offensive that is.’
I paused enough to let this sink in.
‘I presume your nursing service has code of conduct for misgendering? I hope you have had special training on this. I think I should speak to your supervisor as I wish to make a complaint.’
There was silence on the other end of the line as she was clearly considering her options.
‘So, you are not Mr. McLean?’ she finally said.
‘No. Now that wasn’t difficult, was it?’ Then I hung up.