We have finally sold our house, but it has seemed like a long journey. I would give you a detailed account but you would probably end up with anxiety, depression, ADHD and Histrionic Personality Disorder. I think you get the picture. To take our minds off this and vent our mutual frustrations, Her Indoors and I decided to indulge in some role-playing. With the help of a very helpful website, ‘Fantasies n’ Fetishes’ (www.fantasiesnfetishes.com), we discovered some interesting costumes. We settled on a nun’s outfit and a Noddy outfit. Her Indoors became Sister Mary of the Hidden Grotto while I was, well, just Noddy. I thought I should clarify this as if it was the other way round then it would just be perverse. You will be pleased to know that I received a participation medal and a few welts.
Moving swiftly on from the dystopian world of our bedroom life, I was listening to a recent edition of ‘Loose Ends’ in which the comedian Robert Popper talked about writing time-wasting letters to hundreds of famous people under the name of his alter ego, Elsie Drake, aged 104. Elsie wrote to Putin with a proposal of marriage to which he most ungraciously did not reply. Though to be fair he is otherwise preoccupied at the moment. She even wrote to the Pope. She had just got married again having been turned down by Putin so perhaps this was for centenarian sexual advice but I couldn’t possibly comment. I am sure there is an Australian equivalent, perhaps called Esme O’Toole aged 103. If she wrote to Adam Bandt, the Leader of The Australian Greens then the letter might go something like this:
‘Dear Comrade Bandt,
I feel I should write as an election is close and I have just received your manifesto from your candidate for Medindie, a Mr. PG Davies. I have met him and he seems such a nice man though his obsession with wearing a Noddy suit while canvassing can be a bit alarming. He also seems to be fixated on one of your policies, which is seatbelts for motorcycles. I cannot comment on the need for them though if I was ever to ride a motorcycle again then I would very happily wear one. Perhaps you could arrange for one of your comrades to give me a spin one day?
I have recently remarried to a younger man. His name is Alf and he is 101 though he is as vigorous in real life as he is in bed as he still works as an undertaker. It is so reassuring to have a man with certain cashflow. Alf and I met online through a specialist dating website for undertakers, ‘Happiness with Undertakers’ (www.happinesswithundertakers.com). We have also discovered other websites to help us with our love life and have found items such as a trapeze. Alf’s back is not as strong as it once was and he feels the need for support when in some of our more complicated positions.
In other times I would so much like to offer myself as a Greens candidate but I am too busy with Alf and his subterranean preoccupations. Instead might I offer some advice? We feel you should make a manifesto commitment to improving the love lives of centenarians by funding sexual aids through the public purse namely the NDIS. We feel this should be a signature policy in your manifesto. After all we are an important part of society all 13 of us.
Yours in anticipation,
Esme O’Toole’